QOTD:  It's like telling your kids that oranges have vitamin C in them, and then... not giving it to them... 

Oh yeah, and if you read this Cathrine, I just found your comment.  And it's ok, because I'd much rather break my own heart than someone else's.

I think Ryan was onto something with that posting-in-crisis thing;  I'm still confused, but much less burdened.  To lighten the mood from my last post, I'd like to talk about my hair.

Today I decided that since I was staying home in the evening, it would be a good time to test out a hairstyle and some makeup.  You know, those looks that you have in your mind that never want to work 10 min before you have to leave?  Today I gave them a dry run, and good thing I did!  I wanted to straighten my hair, make it sleek like everyone's is right now.  I don't own a straightening iron, and the last time I used the straightening, bristled thing I have it turned my hair into static straw.  But I'd just read an article on how to straighten the back of your hair so I decided to be adventurous with my paddle brush, round brush, and mom's blow dryer.  It didn't turn out straight and sleek, though I am very pleased with the results.  It's volumous at the roots and mostly straight until the end of each layer, where it flips a bit - it's sexy and soft and big!  It's so pretty, I tried to take a picture of myself to prove that sometimes I can look good.   We'll see if I actually got a shot of my head or just the wall behind me.  For my makeup, I was toying with putting blush on the apples of my cheeks instead of on the cheek bone, but I didn't want to come out like a clown.  So I tried it today and I look hot!  Naw I'm kidding, but it looks good!  Today was a successful day of experimentation.  Hope I can do it again when I really want it to work! 

WARNING!  Heavy thoughts ahead...

Do you think it's possible that the human experience is being tainted by the media?  Everything that we take in changes us, and we're constantly being spoon fed a refined, preserved, sugar ladden version of what is real.  Are we all being moulded by this process to believe that life perscribes to a set formula, thus removing humans from the human experience??  I mean, isn't it the whole idea of individuality that we can each have a different experience (wether you are Swedish or on crutches) within the same basic circumstances?  If our experience doesn't match up with what we see on tv, does that mean we've experienced it wrong, or that it wasn't real?

I don't think so.  Every experience is real, and there is never any wrong experience.  There are bad outcomes for some actions, but that should be treated as a lesson and learned from.  My real question I guess is this;  does the media present life in extremes to show us what is possible, or does it show us sappy sweet and bitter versions of life because the real thing is too bland?  And if the latter is the case, are we irreversibly dulling our senses to real life?

I'm thinking of love in particular.  Love as portrayed in the media is so extreme that it's a slap in the face.  It's fireworks and swelling violins and dramatic moments in airports.  How are you supposed to know if you are actually in love - listen for the right music?  As phobic as I come off about relationships, I'm actually scared that real love is going to pass me by because I won't recognize it when it happens.  Since there's no camera to pull you into a close shot, I guess you just have to get out there and experience life yourself, good and bad, and figure it out on your own.  Now, protecting myself from the ups and downs of life is part of being parasympathetic - I don't like stress, and I hate distress.  But is it life without those things?  Not to it's full potential.  So I guess if I protect myself to the point of trying to smooth the stress and distress of those around me, I'm really robbing them of their own experience.   wow.  That kinda sucks.

I think if I wasn't so afraid of causing distress for other people I would be much more open to relationships, it's just that I really really really hate the idea of putting someone into that state that I loathe so much.  Eh, it's as if I have to be more selfish to let myself become unselfish.  If I could just stop worrying so much about what other people are thinking and feeling then I could pay closer attention to what I'm thinking and feeling, which is really the part that I never know.  If I could just listen to myself for a little bit, then I could proceed from there to be either loving and giving, or politely not interested, which would be far less confusing to the other person.  Ahh!  The mental glue that I'm stuck in now probably causes more distress than anything!   gack.  So really, everyone would be better off if I could just figure out what's going on in my own head instead of me trying to fix everything all sugary sweet for the people around me.  Who knew the solution to my messing everything up would be so simple yet so hard!  As a start to wading through my mind, a list:

Pros:  A gentleman; kind, thoughtful, and charming.
His smell makes me smile.
He's strong and protective of his friends.
Knows how to treat a woman, has special training in crazy.
He's a great dancer.  Like, awesome.  As in, makes me giggle because I'm so glad to watch it or even participate.
Put himself out there, majorly.  Made a big effort and opened up.
Loves music and sings (!)
Has higher asperations for his life.
Has learned life's lessons the hard way, will offer support.
Cute butt.
He's done everything I've asked of him, including be my friend.

Cons:  My fireworks and violins were not budgeted in very well, and they are missing.  There is an absence of movie style drama when we are face to face.
He gets attached quickly.  This induces my "run reflex".
Sometimes he is very quiet, which makes me talk aLOT to compensate.  While I don't mind talking, I'm sure listening is a chore.
He is very romantic and ready to settle down.  This also induces the "run reflex".
If I'm not careful, I will BREAK HIS HEART - read, major distress.  Much badness.  And that would distress me - not cool.  Much easier to avoid, deny, ignore, eat ice cream over.
I am very young, and would kick myself in the pants if I got married to soon.  For some reason, my brain logically tells me "no dating for you, you'll screw it up and get married!"  I believe this to be a cousin of the "run reflex".
And lastly, I already explained to him that I am not ready to seriously settle down, and therefore we would be better as friends than "more".  This hurt him a bit, and I'm pretty sure turning around and changing my mind would be both confusing and equally hurtful.

Alright, so basically my problems are my "run reflex," which I don't totally understand yet, my refined, sugary sweet image of relationships which has been warped by movies like Tad Hamilton, and my crippling fear of causing others distress.  Everybody clear?  well, I'm not.  What the hell is wrong with me???  The dumbest part is that I don't even know if the door will still be open for me when I figure my own head out.  I kinda hope it isn't, cause that would just suck for him to dangle and wait, which is why we are better as friends.  Besides who wants to take on a basket case like me anyways.

Alert!  Heavy thoughts have been unloaded.  I can lift my head just long enough to go to bed.

So!  I need everyone's help.  I thought that the wedding I am a date for was in mid-September.  Nope, turns out it's on the 3rd.  Now I need to get Sunday morning off (otherwise I have to start back home at 3:30 am) and, way more importantly, I need to find an outfit!  It needs to be plenty fantastic since I'll be with total strangers and I won't have pre-amazed them with my charming personality... heh heh, yeah I'm laughing too.   I need to know what's appropriate for an early fall wedding reception (I have to miss the actual ceremony because I'm working, and it's in Williams Lake).  I have two new pairs of shoes to work with; both are a kitten heeled pump (if that's not an oxymoron), one is a sort of muted, apple green tweed with some cream highlights and an olive velvet knot across the top, the other is plum tweed with gold highlights and a black velvet knot.  Now with the purple ones I could wear my black satin sleeveless top and my gold pearls, and a skirt that I will find this week, miraculously matching perfectly.  But is that too dark for a wedding?  it's not winter after all.  With the green ones I could wear my off-white piece-work skirt and some top that I will miraculously find this week.  Only the skirt has a pretty industrial looking zipper on the side, and a couple of pockets fastened with those metal buttons that are on bluejeans.  It's hard to find nice jewelry to match that.  Dilema!

So I'm going to check the internet for wedding outfit tips and I would like everyone to leave their ideas!  Ryan, I know you'll want to weigh in on this.